28 Apr Silence is guidance inwards and guidance forward
This letter, like the rest, is the product of my impatience, but I rather share it than not.
One of our differences is that I sent what I write to other people. That is why my goals are my goals, and why I want to get where I want to get. For you, like the rest of you, that write and don’t publish, don’t expect to change reality other than yours, which as that youngster in Aurangabad told me: “You would be selfish if you don’t share it”.
There is no second argumentation.
But well, our society values freedom over harmony, that is why today, in an election day, it is possible that individual values of freedom can transform into lower levels of harmony. Anyway, politics is not the topic I want to talk with you.
Actually, I don’t feel like talking with you about any topic.
Writing may be productive, may be the way I have solved so many of my problems back on the past. But I am starting to realize that writing to individual people is highly inefficient. Assuming that it takes the same amount of time to write to one person than to 7 billion, I am 7 billion times less effective when I am only writing to one. And it should be considered as 7 billion more meaningful and significative these tailored manifestations of my thoughts, but seems they are not. Or at least, I am not receiving that impression from the people I write to. Thus, for the sake of the rest of the people in those 7 billion, I am going to stop writing letters.
I may write some of them when I need it, driven by selfish needs, by survival instincts; but the better I become at managing my own situation independently, the less I need those readers that back on the days helped me to discover what I wanted on life.
You were obviously one of those readers, but I am doubting you still are.
You claim to be my friend, but I am realizing you are not. Not because of the treason, which probably there is none, but because of the distance, and the fact that you don’t care for me anymore. I don’t receive your answers, I don’t hear your voice, I even don’t see your likes, your signs of affection, or your intent to reduce your ignorance about my state of being.
You are being gone; in case you are not completely.
By now, I hope you have realized that men are not like women. That when a man says, ‘it is gone and I am moving on’, there is probably no close reconciliation. This is not like that time when you didn’t show up in Jaen just to be bullied for another year due to your emotional shortages. This time, I cannot guarantee that I will be there in case you repent. And it is too late, I feel it is too late. I consider unfair to be treated like this, and it may be ego, or merely self-protection. I am way calmer than when I wrote that letter called “Chicas” back in 2016, I think I have a clearer vision now, and that there are no strong emotions blurring my reasoning.
You have taught me that you weren’t ready to have an open relationship.
I am not sure about generalizing to your gender, but you personally… It is fine, it is gone. It is just another step in my life. There will be no you in my future me. On the other hand, there won’t be your presence as we both imagine in my dreams. There will be no Silvia in that temple that I am going to build. Manjula will be Manjula, and I will eat what I will.
Thank you for sharing this part of your journey with me.
I was dreaming tonight, and someone claimed that my videos are bad and of low-quality. Then I ask him that I haven’t received any feedback from him, that he could have left a comment. And I asked him how many videos had he seen. He mentioned fifteen. I said that the comments were none. Silence should be interpreted as an answer.
My life has been a continuous fight of trying to understand all the things that I don’t. I never understood silence. Hopefully, I will do so.
Silence is power.
Silence is guidance inwards and guidance forward. If I listen to silence and I seek for sound, I haven’t gotten where I assume I am on. Silence is the sound I want to listen, but I keep looking for noise. Once I reach silence, I will be able to listen again, but till then, I will be struggling to modify my reality into something that is not yet.
I started to get that silence is more informative than I believed.
Silence means don’t move, don’t break it, don’t speak. And still, I do. That is why I feel that this will be the last letter breaking my silence. This will be the last one that is written without a clear request. I will remain silently shouting my truths until they reach all of you. As well, I will focus my efforts on preaching to the wind until my words caught the ears of those that are willing to accept them. I will stop whispering my wisdom to people that don’t want to hear, that don’t want to respond.
Thanks for all, now you are gone. Thanks for all, now I learned I don’t need your support.