20 Sep #commuting @carlitofluito
So, I have time, I have the laptop. I have the money, I have the future.
“Imagine that you just were born and all of your future is your life.”
The 49# piece of advice. David Cain
This is the way we speak nowadays when the thinkers are shallow. And those are the thinkers. So imagine the rest of us. We are all shallow. But we can go very deep. Very, very deep. As it happened to me in my Vipassana retreat.
However, the deal with depth is that it requires darkness and silence. And those two are qualities of our lives and our minds that we are scared of since we are born, i.e. genetically speaking. Silence means that you are alone, while darkness means that you may not be so. That’s why it’s easier to be in the darkness when you are hearing someone else, someone you know is there. In the same way that you can be in the darkness when there is a guarantee that you are fully alone. But, what about being on the darkness when you don’t know if someone is there? Or when you hear something that you don’t know what it is? Not knowing that one knows…
Silence is dangerous. It means you are alone. Alone with your thoughts, which is dangerous, depending on how good is your relationship with your self. Or alone without them, which can turn out to be even more dangerous, depending on how attached you are to your self. Anyways, silence means depth, and depth is dangerous as well. It is the matter of courageous people that are able to face and confront those fears, that we can grow and discover new aspects of Being. Being in ourselves, or Being in its generic form, the Being that affects all of us.
So, my small exercise is called #commuting. It consists of a mere small mediation practice while you are commuting. When you are going to your job, or when you are simply observing life developing while transporting your body from one place to another. From one stage to another of your life. So, commuting is both the metaphor, the enacting, the religious ritual of closing your eyes and remaining in a fixed posture while keeping your mind as still as possible, as much as it is to observe how you are growing, how you are evolving, how you live and how you die, how you are transforming your Being; how you leave home and go to work, and, at some point in the future, leave your work and come back home (which may be any other home).
Especially important is the fact that, when you are commuting in public places, you are probably commuting with other people around. “Be like Jesus Christ, but don’t let them crucifix you.” That is fundamental and vital for your survival and thriving as a commuter. Don’t let the others crucifix you, but be open and trustful enough to be able to hold to your belongings, and keep them safe, while you close your eyes and hope that no ones stabs you with a knife on the metro.
I can remember now that guy that took a gun in the metro but no one looked at him, and no one noticed it, because everyone was busy with their own smartphones. He probably became especially frustrated, and maybe that was the key fact, everyone was with their smartphone and no one paid attention to him. That might act as a detonating factor to start killing and shooting or stabbing people on the train.
If there were just one commuter, one meditator in the train, that could be a game changer. The perpetrator might not have started killing people He could have had a moment of doubt, of questioning, of wondering and wonderment towards human beings and human nature. It is something that we cannot prove other than with ourselves, in the framework of our minds, of our imagination. It is something that we cannot assure anymore because there was no meditator in the train that evening. But we can test empathy:
Although he has thought about it many times, it is the first time he is so decided to kill another human being. In any case, per choice of the destiny, that day there was a teenager that he had seen on Instagram, a guy called Carlito Fluito, which was posting pictures of himself meditating in the public transport.
* * *
I am angry with my life, I am angry with the world and angry with all the human beings that inhabit this planet. I am so angry that I want to finish with their lives. The system is corrupt. The same system is crap. The system stinks. As well, The system is rotten. There is no point on anything of this. As Nietzsche said, “God is dead”. The world is chaotic, and we are heading into the abyss. What is the purpose of all this? These thoughts have been on my mind during the lasts weeks. Nothing else.
After a lot of thinking, I have come up with the conclusion, everyday more clearly that I should destroy and kill as much as possible before leaving this world, just for coherence with my ideal just to let them know that my values are extremely perfect and that if more people would behave like me, we all could get liberated, and we would leave the planet to what it really belongs, nature. Maybe, human beings can build a society that is not rooted in the future, but this one is completely lost. It should be destroyed.
Sometimes I find more honorable goals, but one of my friends is even clearer about it: destruction is the only way towards construction. If we want to build a proper society, we should destroy this one, and we should destroy as much as we can, whatever it is that is close to us. I’ve thought about suicide, I even remember the guy that was planning to commit suicide. He told to himself that if one person on the way to the bridge smiled at him, he wouldn’t jump. He jumped. We should simply finish as soon as possible and let things clear to those that come behind. Destruction is the only way.
My friend explained to me how to do it. It is difficult to shoot in schools since they have increased the security. Well, probably shooting any security guy first makes things easier and let the way clearer. But it is risky to lose my life without being sure of having killed someone. So, I think that starting with the metro guarantees more death. I get the gun, I go inside the station, and once in the train I kill everyone inside. If I start on one end of the wagon there will be no escape. Just one direction to run. The direction of the bullets.
Yes, that is the plan. I will do it this evening. That is why I bought the semiautomatic last week, after all.
* * *
He doesn’t meditate a lot, sometimes 10 minutes. But it is very difficult. He gets unfocused very easily, and the legs always hurt. Besides, there is never time to meditate and its routine is still a bit chaotic. The guy on Instagram suggested that if he meditates while commuting, he will be more efficient in the university, and he would be more relaxed once he arrives home to his family. He used to argue a lot with his parents, but now that he lives by himself, often feels lonely and doesn’t know how to make good friends. @Carlitofluito published a post about sociability and suggested that meditation can also make us feel better with ourselves, helping to create more sincere bonds with the people around.
He knows that he’s still on a trying period, but he has decided to do Anapanasati (Anapana) in the mornings and Mettā in the evenings. Anapana means simply to focus on the breath, and it is said that it improves concentration and long-term attention. He procrastinates a lot all the time. So, let’s see if by meditating he can procrastinate a bit less, and work more efficiently.
The other one, the Mettā, is a loving-kindness meditation, where he observes the people around and sends them good wishes of love and happiness. It is a bit weird at the beginning, but it’s already the first week and he is starting to feel more connected to people in his classroom, and when he goes shopping at the supermarket, he even prefers to make a long queue to say thank you to the cashier, instead of paying to the soulless machine.
* * *
So far, so good. I didn’t know it was that easy to introduce a gun in the metro station. Look at them. They are bodies, nothing else. In a minute, they will not be even people, only bodies. My legs shake, my hands are humid, but it doesn’t matter. They will scream, they will pee on their pants, they are going to run hopelessly. No place to escape. They are lost, they are dead. Yes, they are dead and still don’t know it. They are so dead, that if someone would tell them that these are their last minutes, they probably wouldn’t waste them scrolling up and down at random people’s images who don’t care a shit for them. At least, some of them would call their family or friends.
They would tell them “I love you”. Fuck love! They won’t do it. That’s the lesson. That’s the lesson they are giving to the world. They wasted the last moments on this planet, the last moments of their lives scrolling random people up and down.
* * *
He often gets distracted with the phone, so, today, he has forced himself to turned it off, and only turn it on once he arrives home, although he is pretty sure that the phone at home is affecting his loneliness. Anyways, his mind is racing, and now it’s time to meditate. So, he takes a place, puts a piece of cloth over his head, and starts breathing. He doesn’t care about what the rest may think. They don’t know what they do with their minds.
After all, spending their energy in front of the screen is pretty negative for their levels of melatonin, and their biorhythms. Basically, they are harming their own pituitary gland, and that is something bad enough (he’s read it in Carlitofluito’s website). He looks one more time to the people around and starts breathing, feeling his chest rising up and down. Yesterday, it took a lot to get to something closer to the feeling of love, but maybe today is going to be easier. After all, there is an old lady that looks like having problems to walk, stand, or sit. She is a very good person to focus at the beginning of the meditation.
* * *
The doors of the wagon close. It is a three minutes’ ride between the stops, so it’s better to start soon. The palms are sweating as never before. The mind is racing. The body is shaking. I have never killed a person. “There is always a first time”, his friend has repeated many times. Fuck, do it! Again, fuck, do it! Fuck, do it! Fucking bastards. Looked around one last time. Fuck them all! Fuck them all with their fucking smartphones! Feel the touch of the gun on the hand, under the coat. What the fuck? What is wrong with that guy? Is he a fucking guru or what? Fucking idiot! What the fuck is he doing?
– – –
He is curious now.
* * *
May all his suffering dissolves. And may them feel at peace. May them be happy.
Wishing all the suffering of the people in this wagon dissolves. May them feel at peace. Hoping for them to be happy.
May all the suffering of the people outside this wagon dissolves. As may them feel at peace. May them all be happy.
“Are you okay? What are you doing?”
“I am meditating.”
“Meditating? What’s that? The thing of the monks? Are you a monk, or what?”
“No. It is just because it helps me to feel calmer, more peaceful, and I also focus better on the university.”
“That is the thing with the energies of the universe and all that crap, isn’t it?”
“Well, not really. I mean, what I am doing is just focusing my attention on my breath. It’s what I do instead of waiting.”
“Such a strange way to waste your time…”
“I found a guy on Instagram that explains it, and that is how I got the idea. Do you have Instagram?”
“Well, it doesn’t matter. He is on Facebook and Youtube and has a website. I don’t have a lot of time to read many things because of the university papers, you know?”
“Okay, okay, but what is his name?”
“Okay, I will check it later.”
“Oh look, that’s my stop. I have to get off here. Nice to talk with you. and check the website: “Carlito Fluito” Have a nice day. Bye!”
– – –
He sits back again, feeling the gun hidden inside his jacket. On top of that, he is confused. He didn’t know what to do or where to go. But he just sits there looking around and looking at the people going in and out the wagon. He doesn’t feel like killing them anymore. The doors close and he just sits there thinking about the conversation that just happened. At the next stop, he gets off and walks to a park nearby. He sits on a bench and observes what life places in front of his eyes.
* * *
He doesn’t know he is a hero. He doesn’t know it and will never know it. It’s about him, he just avoided a massacre and a grim headline in the newspapers. He doesn’t know anything. But he will never know anything. He just knows that he spoke with a guy on the metro. In the end, he looked kind of angry. He told him about how meditation is changing his life. And he just shared what was working for him. But he is at an infinite distance from knowing what just happened on that wagon. He opens the door of his house and remembers the blogger that Carlito Fluito quotes from time to time: David Cain.
Be mindful when you open doors and enter new rooms. Try to feel the changes, the light, the temperature, the humidity, the objects in the new space. Be aware of how you enter and how you breathe in this new environment.
The house that he rents since a couple of months today looks more like a home. And he guesses, that that is something. That is also a beginning.